Is it Friday yet?

Today is Wednesday. I don't mean to wish my time away, but I feel like I am craaawwlling toward Friday and freedom.

I am trying to stay in the "Now." It's not easy. I can "taste" my freedom. Last night when I lay down in bed, the wind was blowing gently through the windows and making the shades flap. I really listened to that sound. Now here's one of the great things about being old. Listening to that sound, flooded my brain with memories of childhood when I used to really listen all the time. For a moment, I was upstairs in the attic bedroom of the cottage the Sullivan's rented every summer. They always invited me to visit for a week. What a kindness! Now, the delicious feeling of lying in bed and staring up at the rafters while a sea breeze flaps the shade and there is the underlying hum and thrum of the waves on the breakers only a few hundred feet away, is an overlay on this quiet moment before sleep.

I am looking forward to the freedom to control the content of my days. I really am, but I also know that the real happiness and freedom lies within myself and how I choose to experience life. If I compromise that sense of being alive today with dreams of tomorrow's pleasure, I have already surrendered life to being lived "someday." And, as we all know, "someday" never comes. Carpe diem!

Today is Thursday and I still feel as though I am "slouching toward Bethlehem," in fact I posted that as my FaceBook status today. I've only been able to make myself work half days. It is almost unbearable for me. I suppose that's better than being somehow forced to retire and not wanting the job to end? Still, I don't want to feel ashamed of myself for how I ended my paid working career.

I'm spending an extra hour at home this morning. I won't get into work until 1 PM and will leave at 4 PM unless there are problems. I have an energy commission meeting tonight and am going to get my hair cut at 4:30 today. I took the extra hour so that I could write a little this morning. I need the catharsis of writing. Granted, this is a bit public, but that adds to the thrill of writing, doesn't it? On the other hand, no one reads my blog, so it is fairly safe for me to "put it all out there."

I used the phrase because it is how I feel, but then I looked it up because I remembered the negative connotation in the Blake poem, "The Second Coming." I'd forgotten the wonderful Joan Didion book of the title, "Slouching Toward Bethlehem." It revealed the dark side of the counterculture movement of the 60s and 70s. So, perhaps this is an apt analogy... Or perhaps, instead of fearing that my life could easily devolve into chaos and lassitude, it should inspire me to commit myself to writing that book about my brother, George...view it as a chance to leave the world with one true and good story told...given.

Well, it's time to get ready for work, but I think my next effort will be think about what it means to work for pay versus volunteering. Why hasn't pay been much of a motivator for me?

It's late Thursday night (or early Friday morning). I'm still up and excited about tomorrow as my last day at work. I'm feeling a little conflicted about retiring early because of the strain that it puts on the Social Security system. I could work a few more years without it killing me. I could. I just feel like I want this time with my husband who has been home alone for eight years. I hope that my volunteer efforts in energy and as an advocate for people with disabilities will justify my existence. I want to be useful.

So, why do I say that money is not a big motivator for me? Am I kidding myself? I don't think so. I've had some amazing, wonderful experiences in my life that were completely unrelated to how much money I had. Some things took a lot of money...probably much more than I was in a position to spend, but I did it anyway. Other things, equally amazing, cost pennies compared with the thrill I received...and the lack of expense only made the experience more delicious. I've never minded wearing second hand or hand me down clothes. Instead of feeling impoverished, I am proud that my Jeep has 214K miles and still runs well after 12 years. I don't envy those with vast wealth because I think their options are probably much more limited than mine...and I'm pretty sure that my friends are just as true and just as much fun as theirs. On the other hand, I don't think money is bad. I just think it can deaden the sound and fury of real life...

The Fool

If you look through a set of Tarot Cards, there is one that most resembles the way I feel these last few days. It is "The Fool." The Fool is a handsome young lad with a bandanna holding all of his worldly possessions tied up on a stick over his shoulder. He is gaily dressed as if going to a party. A little dog dances at his feet. The Fool strides with perfect confidence toward a cliff...
I am almost giddy with happiness about all the possibilities that lie before me. This has made me somewhat distracted which has caused a few problems for me. I'm trying hard to stay in the "Now" so that I finish my working life with dignity and a sense of accomplishment.
I've caught myself almost crowing about my impending retirement and I'm trying to tone it down. I actually posted on FaceBook that I realized that I've been wearing a "suit of stress" and that I can feel it loosening and getting all soft and wrinkly with retirement only 4 days away. I thought better of it and deleted the post since I don't want to make the people who still have to work for money feel badly about going to work and trying everyday.
It's not that I won't be working. I'll work really hard and will try to be creative. Perhaps I will earn money, but that won't have to be a consideration.
I realized that I won't actually be able to afford my 3 dance classes each week at Monadnock Performing Arts Academy. I LOVED those classes. Instead, I am going to try to get a dance club going in Rindge using DVDs of Tap & Burn and Workout with the NYC Ballet. This would be a great challenge for me and could be of benefit to others in the community who love to dance. If no one wants to play, I'll take a course at Fitchburg State and join their dance club.
Well, that's it for tonight. I am so excited!

Jumping off the cliff...

At this moment, I couldn't possibly be happier. But then, this last year, the joy I feel in life has been steadily building. I know I am extraordinarily blessed and the gratitude I feel is what seems to feed the joy.

But, happy? Happy, like sad, is circumstantial. I don't expect to be happy most of the time. I expect that things will break, I will have aches and pains, most of my big dreams probably won't come true. I feel sad for the loss of friends and relatives, getting my feelings hurt or hurting the feelings of someone else. I expect to experience sadness now and then.

For me, happy is dancing with friends in Zumba, tap, ballet classes and performances. Happy is going out kayaking with a friend or walking through the woods in snowshoes. Happy is sharing a meal with everyone I love at the table.

So, why am I suddenly happy?

I'm happy because I woke up Tuesday morning and decided it was time to retire from my job. Just like that!! I went into work and logged onto the Social Security website and filled out the application for benefits. Then I called Rick in Human Resources and told him about my decision and asked for help cashing out my 401K. He asked me to send an email explaining my resignation and wished me well.

Yesterday, Social Security called me to confirm my application, tell me how much I'll be receiving, and to give me the news that my first check won't arrive until December 21st. (Yikes!)

Knowing there's going to be a gap before my first check got me to thinking that I might want to be more proactive about cashing out my 401K. I contacted the company that manages it for us and set the wheels in motion. The application they emailed me, requires my husband's signature to be notarized. As luck would have it, the Town Clerk's office was open tonight, so Danny and I met there and finished the paperwork. I was delighted to learn that the Town Clerk doesn't charge for notary services! All that remains is to fax the application to the management company in the morning. It all seems to be falling into place so smoothly...like my mother would say, "It was meant to be."

Money will probably be a little tight, but I think it will be manageable if I'm smart about it. The things I love the most are either free or very inexpensive. I will be no poorer than a college student and those were some of the best years of my life. In fact, I may reprise them a bit by finishing my masters degree.

I can say, "Yes!" now to skiing with teacher friends during school vacations. I can say, "Yes!" to my husband when he wants to drive to Florida to see the grandchildren. I can say, "Yes!" to going to demonstrations in Concord. I can kayak, snowshoe, x-country ski or just sit on the deck and read poetry. I can finally make my house a home by decorating it the way I want.

The days of my freedom stretch before me...

Of course, I know it will get busy with all the mundane tasks of life; doctors appointments, car inspections, income tax returns, but I won't be wasting vacation or sick days to take care of my errands. There won't be any vacation or sick days. There will only be NOW.

I can finally write that book about my brother, George.

I should probably be nervous, but I'm not.

Most of all, I think about my daughter, Liese, who has been following her bliss. I want to be just like her when I grow up! It's time to follow my bliss again. I was blissful when I was a design engineer and in the middle of building the first laptops and pen computers, but those years are long gone and they're not coming back. Of course, I didn't know I was blissful back then. I thought everyone felt that kind of passion about their jobs. It wasn't until it was gone, that I realized the difference between a good job and one that feeds your soul.

In those "dry years" when I was just a cog in the wheels of mainstream technology, I was fortunate to find other sources of joy and inspiration unrelated to my paying job. I thank all the people who helped me discover that there is more to life than being well paid. I learned about other kinds of "success" that can't be measured in dollars.

So, I feel well-equipped for this next stage of my life...even though I simply "took the plunge."

And, in this moment, I just couldn't be happier.

George

This is a story that I've felt compelled to tell my whole life. I've written down bits and pieces, but I always get discouraged with the whiny tone; so I just give up. I'm trying again and I hope that my friends and family, who knew George, will help me write this story.
George was my brother. He was born, the eldest of five children, on February 5, 1939 (check date).
What was remarkable about his birth was that he was born with spina bifida: a condition in which the backbone and spinal canal don't close before birth. http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/spinabifida.html It is the most prevalent disabling birth defect in the United States.

On turning 60...and finding the fountain of youth

I had a birthday last month. I turned 60 years old on October 11. I think of all my friends who also turned 60 this year...and especially my dearest friend of all, my husband, Danny.
I hope that it will be said of us that we died young; no matter our chronological age when that time comes.
I have finally come to the moment when I feel a certain acceptance that I am past the age of bearing children or inciting/inflicting lust in strangers. I don't know if it's a matter of incipient dementia, but older people have begun to look more attractive to me and hence; I look more attractive to myself. I don't mean, the "well preserved." I'm thinking of the people who stand so straight and look you in the eye, and who have crinkles around their eyes and mouths where laughter lives.
I think about all the social and economic catastrophes in our country and I realize that even if I retire, I won't be living a life of idle pleasure. Guess what? That actually is a comfort to me! I am a bit amazed, but I think I can bear continuing to work for many years to come as long as I have challenges. Failing a great job, I'm already involved in volunteer activities to which I would gladly give my time on a full-time basis.
To me, this is the "fountain of youth."

Draft for ViewPoint Article

I enjoy thinking about energy efficiency and conservation.  I got interested while I was an electrical engineering student at UNH back in the 70s.  Between my junior and senior years, I wrote a proposal for and received funding to hire twelve of my fellow women engineering students to conduct energy audits at twelve NH colleges; members of a consortium of college plant managers.  We named the summer program “The Women in Engineering, Energy Management Project.”  The goal of the project was two-fold: 1.) Give women engineering students a summer engineering work experience, and 2.) Assist NH colleges in reducing energy consumption.  It was a great experience and measurably successful for the colleges.

Although I never actually worked in the energy industry, my inclination toward reducing power consumption was an important factor later in my career when I worked in notebook computer design for Wang Laboratories. I specialized in low-power circuit design and my team’s work led to a couple of design patents in that area. I know it sounds geeky…and it probably is, but I just love the challenge of doing more with less.

Last summer while visiting my brother in Hull, MA, I was awestruck by the sight of the Hull Wind I and Hull Wind II turbines.  My brother tells me that their home electric bill has been cut nearly in half.  Of course, Hull has a unique situation; ocean breezes and a municipal electric company make large turbine projects very cost effective.  Rindge does not have the same advantages, but is it possible that we could develop a project that would make economic sense and also help the environment?

Pat Barry, Rindge Selectman, told me about a potential wind project at Franklin Pierce University in Rindge.  I contacted FPU and, in response, Ken Clarke, an adjunct professor there, helped me with some basic facts and information about evaluating the potential for wind energy in Rindge.

One of the things that Ken educated me on was the necessity of Meteorological
wind towers (MET towers) for evaluating a potential site.  In the simplest terms, MET towers are very tall (more than 50 feet high) poles with wind measuring and communications equipment mounted at the top. I was shocked to learn that a MET tower and data measurement for a year can cost $20,000 per location!

By doing a little online research, I learned that Maine, Vermont, and Massachusetts all have MET tower loan programs through their state colleges.  New Hampshire does not.

I took it upon myself to contact my alma mater, UNH, to see if there was any interest in starting a loan program in NH too.

Well, who should write me back, but Jacob Aho of New Ipswich, President and Founder of the UNH Energy Club, and a graduate student in Electrical Engineering whose thesis project is wind turbine control systems!

I am so excited to know that there are young engineers out there who plan to dedicate their careers to moving us toward energy independence!  Jacob and I have only been talking since April, but he has kindly offered to take time from his busy schedule to present a forum on wind energy, to be held Thursday at 6:30 P.M. at the Rindge Recreation Building.  Jacob also enlisted the support of Dr. Rob Wills, a Professional Engineer from Temple, and owner of windmonitoring.com, to help us understand options for homeowners too. 

Rindge may be a tough town to sell on conservation or alternative energy projects.  A motion on the ballot to establish an energy committee in Rindge was defeated last year.  I imagine that there was a perception that such a committee would impose new regulations and cost the taxpayers money.  I'm hoping that we can build grassroots support for a volunteer energy committee by offering great information and workshops that will help people reduce their energy bills.  In any case, I feel as though we need to try.

I work full-time, so I can’t make a big commitment of time. However, I don’t see that as a problem. I think, like so many other things, if everyone does just a little bit to help, the sum of those efforts can lead to wonderful things for the community.

Wind Power Forum

This is the press release I sent out to the Keene Sentinel and the Monadnock Ledger Transcript. There's going to be a "ViewPoint" section in the Ledger on the 11th about the forum speakers. I feel really great about seeing this get off the ground. It's so encouraging to know that other people are interested and willing to contribute to the effort to reduce our carbon footprint and reach toward energy independence.
I'm supposed to write 700 words for the "ViewPoint" article from the perspective of an average person looking at Wind Power and the larger issue of energy conservation. I plan to work on it this weekend and will probably post a draft here to get some feedback.

Wind Power...Is it in Rindge's future?

Please join your neighbors for refreshments and an open forum on Wind Power including a discussion of its possible future in Rindge.  On Thursday, August 13, at 6:30 PM, the Town of Rindge is sponsoring an informational session about Wind Power at the Town Recreation Building on Wellington Road. 
No doubt, you have heard about the wind farm in Lempster, NH and may be aware of wind projects springing up in towns, schools, and college campuses throughout the country.  Is Rindge a candidate for small or large-scale wind projects?
Two local wind enthusiasts have offered to share their experience and expertise with us:

Jacob Aho of New Ipswich is a graduate student and teaching assistant at the University of New Hampshire. Jake is researching wind turbine control systems for his master's thesis in electrical engineering. In addition, Jake is the founder and president of the UNH Energy Club.
Jacob will be giving a ‘Wind 101’ presentation that will cover the basic physics and principals of wind energy and how to test if your site is right for a wind turbine. Jacob will also be sharing his pictures, experiences and insights gained from his recent ‘energy road trip’ to the International Student Energy Summit in Calgary Canada, the National Renewable Energy Laboratory and various wind parks across the US and Canada.

Dr. Robert Wills, a Professional Engineer (P.E.) from Temple, NH is the owner of WindMonitoring.com, a company making wind anemometers, data logging systems and computer software to analyze the wind data using a PC.  Dr. Wills also worked on developing the communication system and inverters for Southwest Windpower’s Skystream turbine.
Dr. Wills is also a member of Temple’s Green Committee.
Dr. Wills has put together a great presentation about wind energy and being wary of residential wind turbine manufacturers who make false promises just to sell product. He also covers some basics on:
Wind Energy,
Estimating energy production, and
Deciding what turbine is right for your situation, and
Cost considerations.
We hope this meeting will be the first of many forums/workshops aimed at helping the people of Rindge learn from each other and from experts about conservation and alternative energy projects.  Many projects that save energy and dollars are accomplished for little to no cost and opportunities for weatherization grants exist at many levels. 
The Town also has a Kill-O-Watt meter that will be available for loan from the library so that residents can conduct their own preliminary electricity use energy audits assisted by this user-friendly tool.   
Please contact Pat Martin at pmartin2894@yahoo.com or 899-2894 (evenings) or Carlotta Pini, Town Administrator, at 899-5181 x100 with questions or comments about the event.