December Butterflies

I love going for walks. It's wonderful if I have company, but walks by myself are special in their own way
I took a walk on Tuesday. There's a loop that goes up Hampshire Country Road, onto Koski Road, then Bancroft Road down to North Main and onto East Main back to Hampshire Country Road to home. It's about a three mile loop and very scenic.
I know this will sound strange or out of character for me, but I pray while I walk. I say a string of novenas. For those of you who didn't go to parochial schools, that is 3 Our Fathers, 3 Hail Marys, and an Act of Contrition. Each novena has an intention behind it. I say one just for thanks to God for the day, one for Danny, one for Liese, one for my sister, Marie, and one for Danny's son, Erik. When I take a long walk, I add prayers for other friends and family, the whole country, the President, and any other little worries I might have.
Since I started taking TerryAnn's Yoga/Tai Chi fusion class, I've added some conscious breathing and Chi gathering to my routine. As I walk (if there are no cars going by or anyone to see me), I open my arms to the side and breathe in while I gather Chi in a scooping motion up over my head. As I bring my arms down in front of me, I breath out and absorb the Chi into my don tien (something like a chakra in yoga).
I was doing this breathing and praying as I started walking up Koski Road. Suddenly, I had an insight into the nature of God. Okay. I won't claim divine inspiration. I have no religious affiliation. I just feel that I am not alone...that none of us are really alone in this life. I am convinced that human loving kindness matters.
So, all of a sudden, I had this very clear image of a huge, glowing network of beings connected by our thoughts, prayers, and love for one another. I thought to myself that this is the true nature of God...God isn't one of us...God is all of us. I suppose this is a kind of heresy, but it felt so true and right, that I experienced a sense of spiritual elation.
At that moment, ahead of me in the road, a random breeze caught what appeared to be some falling leaves. As I watched, the leaves just kept fluttering and dancing in the breeze. When some of them flew upward, I looked again and, for just a moment, I could swear they were Monarch Butterflies. "Sure," I thought, "look at the colors. Those are Monarch Butterflies dancing for me!" I felt such delight! But then, I thought, "Oh no! Is this climate change? Are the butterflies confused by the warm weather?" Two or three dropped to the ground and the rest flew off into the bushes by the side of the road. As I approached the ones in the road, I could see that they really were leaves after all.
By way of full disclosure, I am very nearsighted, so it would not be unreasonable for me to mistake a falling leaf for a butterfly from a distance. Still the moment of delight and the sure feeling that I was in communication with God and the "Universe of us" persists. Some of the best moments in life are not "real" in the sense of being weighed and measured.
The rest of my walk, I sent my prayers, intentions and loving thoughts out over that amazing, glittering network, to beings of every faith or none at all. I promised myself that I would try to describe my experience on paper so that I can look back on it when I have those moments of feeling lost and alone. Somehow though, I don't think I will ever forget that moment of "December Butterflies."

The Bath

What a luxury! I filled a tub with the warmest water I could manage and soaked for half an hour today. It's been three years since I indulged in a bath. Of course, baths are not very environmentally friendly, but my right knee and left hip were aching. It helped a little.
My cold is almost all gone, but I still have a few sniffles and coughs going on. I feel fine otherwise.
Sadly, my daughter got sick with a cold during her visit with me last week. I feel very badly about it, but I didn't think it was worth canceling the visit. Now I'm not so sure...?
I did get most of my housework done. There's still plenty to do, but I'm enjoying the process of making the house a little more presentable day by day. The biggest thing was emptying closets and book cases. It was insane that I still had textbooks from the 1970s!! And...clothes from the same era. LOL! I'm down to one summer and one winter suit, two dresses and some dress pants. I feel lighter by measures!
Of course, now I'm thinking about substitute teaching to pick up some extra cash and also for the fun of teaching math and science. I need some "work" clothes, but what I have should suffice. I don't know that I will get any assignments, but it's fun to think about.
I'd like to make a little "extra" money so that I can buy a pellet stove and install solar panels for PV. I should have enough for the pellet stove with my income tax return, but if I can make money ahead of time...all the better! I haven't filled out the application yet, but I've downloaded the application and am thinking about it.
Well, this is all very prosaic. I'm sorry I don't have anything more inspired to say tonight. Life is good.
Tomorrow is an activist day for me. I'm going to stand a peace vigil with Veterans for Peace at 11 tomorrow. Then there's an Occupy Keene meeting in Railroad Square at 12:15. Finally at 6 PM, I'm going to a spaghetti dinner at Keene High School to benefit the Democratic Party. The big attraction is that Senator Bernie Sanders is the featured speaker.
*Happy Sigh!* Life is grand!

Sick...

My first week of retirement ended with my getting a cold. I feel awful. I don't feel like doing anything except curling up into a ball and sleeping the misery away. And yet, I have SO much I need to do! I keep reminding myself that I am retired and it's okay to baby myself for a day or two if I need it, but my conscience nags at me about getting the house cleaned for Liese's visit on the 6th. We still have a lot to do to get ready! Also, I have a ton of work to do on the energy grants. Ah, me!
At least I don't have to go to work tomorrow. That is a huge relief. I've been drinking lots of water, taking vitamin C, and trying to rest and relax. Here's hoping tomorrow is better!

FREEDOM!

I just deposited my 401K check today. It was a fairly small sum...might get me through a year without income, but just barely. As soon as I got home from the bank, I logged onto my last outstanding credit card account and scheduled a final balance payment for Monday. It took more than half my 401K, but it feels SO damn good!
It's not just that it pained me to pay $100 or more per month in interest charges to the banks I helped bail out. Not giving them that money will feel great! And it isn't all about getting out of the stock market by cashing in the 401K before things go bad again. If you don't sell in a blind panic, there is usually a decent recovery.
No. What makes me the happiest is that I feel like I'm a pioneer in a new economy that is just taking shape.
I switched my banking to a community bank last year. There's only one branch, so it's not exactly convenient, but I know this bank supports local businesses. I charge things on my debit card with them. Which means that I don't go into debt.
Last week, I spent a fair amount of money buying thermal window curtains and a comforter set. I had to search online for days to find products that were made in the USA and affordable. I feel like I'm supporting the US economy, reducing energy consumption with my new curtains, and doing something concrete to help America rebuild. I'll try to get cushions and pillows made locally if possible.
We also just had an energy audit and almost $3,000 worth of tightening up/insulation work done on the house this past month. Most of it was paid for through a grant with PSNH. Our cost was about $1200. The money I save on oil will go right into new projects like solar hot water and a pellet stove. I plan to track and blog on it throughout this winter. I took lots of pictures of the work during the final inspection. Energy savings measures are better than money in the bank...they are practically organic because the more oil prices increase, the bigger your return on investment.
I am a happy woman tonight.

What's so bad about retirement?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing that I can tell so far. I am enjoying myself completely and utterly.
I know that some people are craftsmen, artists, teachers, or scientists who are just following their bliss and lucky enough to get paid for it. These last several years I have worked for much less than I did at the peak of my engineering career. In part because my interests changed in directions that weren't as lucrative, but also because the design jobs weren't there for me. Maybe I lost my heart for it? I didn't seem to fit in anywhere I worked. People were nice to me. The work should have been interesting to me. I just couldn't find the beam.
I used to go to sleep at night picturing streams of bits hitting gates, filling registers and then being read or reset at just the right moment. The logical sculpture or, perhaps choreography, just stopped happening inside my head.
You know, I worried that I just couldn't "think" like an engineer anymore, but I took computer science graduate courses and did very well. I liked the programming, but I just wasn't passionate about it. I was more methodical about it than I was with hardware and probably less inventive.
It is sad really. When your career passion leaves you...for whatever reason...it is as bad as having a 20 year marriage end. Maybe it is you? Your love no longer excites you, but you can't quite figure out when that changed. Maybe you just aren't trying hard enough? You're spoiled and you expect too much?
And, just maybe, the jobs weren't there anymore?
So, just like a divorcee in mid-life, you look for a new passion. I went for nursing. In retrospect, I wish I had pursued either recreational or occupational therapy. But then, you don't always know until you try. I got a lot of good things out of the 10 years or so that I worked as a part-time nurse. I made some very good friends. But, like dating someone for 10 years without making plans to stay together, I've let my nursing license lapse.
For the last five years, I've worked in IT. I don't have any formal IT training. Honestly, when it wasn't heartstoppingly critical, it was boring as all hell to me. I loved/hated when things broke and I had to figure out how to make them work again. The hate came from the fear that I wouldn't be able to fix the problem, but mostly I loved, loved, loved troubleshooting. I know there was a lot more I could have done to be good in IT. I just wasn't interested. I think, in part, it was because I was working alone all day and so there was no one to get into trouble with...no one to play with. I am happier as part of a team.
Another factor is that when I got the IT job at age 57, I figured it was the best I could do without driving 50 miles each way to work in Concord or Massachusetts. It didn't pay well, but better than my nursing work and the work was much easier. Inertia is not a good excuse, but it kept me at that job.
I don't think I'm done though. I am glad that I got to retire. It is an incredible gift to be able to re-tire myself for the rest of the trip to the end of days.
I know the beam with my name on it is out there somewhere. I just have to find it.

First Day of Retirement and Battling the JBS!

My friend from work did call last night. We had a good talk. She understands that the people at work (she's known them for 15 years!) confronted this guy because they love her and she doesn't have family around.
I sent an email to one of the group and told her that we have to accept the fact that she is entitled to spend her money anyway she wants and to be friends with anyone she wants. But I also thanked her for acting like a good daughter.
I actually feel some relief knowing that it is out in the open and that they will be looking out for her. I don't think she will listen to them, but...you never know!
So, my first real day of retirement... What can I say? I didn't get up as early as I wanted to and opted not to go to the Writers' Group meeting this morning. Instead I went to the opening of Sherry's new Zumba Studio.
I really hope this takes off for her! I signed up for 2 classes a week for $35. That's a great deal!
After that, I went to the weekly peace vigil on the steps of the Peterborough Town House. There were five of us today. Most people honk and wave. One guys yelled out the window, "Neville Chamberlain for President!" Jim Giddings, the person who started the peace vigil over ten years ago, said that he thought the guy was making a reference to some who feel that Neville Chamberlain was traitorous or at least, an appeaser. I suppose...
Next I dropped off most of a closet full of clothes. Suits, dresses, skirts, shirts I no longer wear...gone...to the swap shop in town. I have all my clothes down to one closet (well...dance costumes wound up in the hall closet, but close enough!) I plan to do more whittling of possessions. The hardest thing to let go was a blue sweater I got when I was in high school. It's some kind of synthetic material, so it's lasted almost 50 years! I may pick something else out of my closet and go back to trade it. LOL!! I never wear it, but...
Danny and I spent a couple of hours trying to get paint off the deck. He finally pulled out the power washer and it looks like that will do the trick. He's going to apply a coat of stripper tomorrow. Let it sit for an hour and then use the power washer. I'm hopeful.
I got into a big debate with a John Birch Society political operative. He announced a public meeting in Troy on the Town FaceBook page. He actually lives in West Roxbury, MA and if you google him, you come up with a lot of hits all over the place. He is a recruiter for the JBS. I thought this posting would be against town policy. He didn't think so. My friend and neighbor, David, didn't think so either. They both think the Town will leave his post up. I would never consider posting a MoveOn.org event on the Town's FaceBook page! I wound up deleting all of my comments...except one. I said, "Imperial Kleagle, I think." An Imperial Kleagle is code for a KKK recruiter. I probably shouldn't have said it, but it fries me that this outside agitator is going to fill people's heads with lies. The public meeting is to warn people against Agenda 21 and ICLEI...two initiatives on sustainability by the United Nations. Climate change denial and One World conspiracy theory all rolled into one nutty package. Meanwhile, I'm getting set up to launch my energy projects in town...I admit I took this personally. The reason I deleted the comments was so that I wouldn't give him any more attention than I already had. I was so sure our Town Administration would delete it, but when I messaged one of our selectmen, I was ignored. Are they afraid of the JBS? The nutty dude, Hal Shurtleff, tried to say that the JBS is not a political organization and that he is not a political operative. If they aren't, neither is MoveOn.org!
It's after 4 AM!!! I'm going to bed. I just wanted to write a few things down. I was thinking of Heidi and her comments about tracking my experiences with retirement since she would like to retire herself next year. I kind of like the idea of leaving messages from the "beyond."

The Last Day at Work

It was dramatic to say the least!
Here are the nice things:
The lovely people I work with got me a cake and a card to congratulate me on my retirement. Leo, my walking buddy, and his wife, Kate, gave me a framed print of one of Kate's gorgeous photographs. When I got home, I checked my bank account and discovered that I'd been overpaid by almost $800! I called headquarters to tell them about the mistake and was told that it wasn't a mistake, it was the one week of pay they held out when I started.
There was a slight problem, the FAX machine server (notebook) was on its way out and was making an ominous sound. I decided to replace the old notebook with a newer one. I had a little trouble, but before I left, the AV software finally installed and I was able to receive a test fax. Yay! Though, I did donate an hour of my freedom (I had already sent in my timesheet) to get it all working. It made it kind of nice that I discovered they were so generous with me too!
The other thing that happened was that a few of my co-workers confronted a young guy who has been preying on one of us. Unfortunately, the person who is being victimized is unwilling to recognize how she is being abused. She is a caring person who would help anyone in need. This particular character has come to rely on her generosity to set him up in business, buy all of his equipment, and pay his living expenses. Meanwhile, at 75, she can't afford to even buy a car and drives an old beater that a friend gave her. I've tried to talk her out of allowing this guy to exploit her, but she feels strongly that since he has a criminal record, the world has turned against him and that she's the only one who can help him. Jesus would approve, I know. She is a good, good person. I wouldn't have interfered myself, but I am kind of glad that my co-workers did. It kills me to think of this guy draining her bank account and the trust funds that her husband left for her and her children and grandchildren. I think that this guy is less than despicable...a healthy young man who has allowed her to move him from apartment to apartment with her truck. He had no problem letting her haul his furniture and belongings up and down stairs. What kind of man is that? But, like some kind of leech, even having someone tell him to leave her alone didn't discourage him. He's hanging tight...nothing they said seemed to shame him.
She is not incompetent. She's been like this most of her life, but her husband definitely wouldn't have allowed this to happen when he was alive. And, I can identify...we all need to be needed, don't we? But, this does cross a line.
I know she is angry with them and humiliated. I would be too. On the other hand, I hope my true friends would put a stop to anything like that if I got sucked into it. So, as you can see, all this drama was going on during my last day of work. The worst part? I didn't get to give her a goodbye hug before I left tonight. I've called her at home a couple of times, but she's not answering. I hope she is okay. Please let her be okay.