Saturday, May 2, 2009

Saturday morning...ahhh!

I'm referencing an older blog...from the Vernal Equinox posting.
That day, I was fretting about not being included in the Monadnock Writer's Group page, having angst about dance classes, and being "dissed" at work.
I wound up cutting and pasting from my post to create emails to the Monadnock Writer's Group (MWG), and my Irish Dance teacher. In my modern dance class, I asked someone from the back row to switch with me so that she was in the front.
The result is that I am on the MWG writers page...though it hasn't made any difference in my readership. I think my daughter and I are STILL the only ones who read it. (Thanks, Liese!) They assured me that it was all a mistake related to an email address changing...I wasn't being shunned.
My Irish Dance teacher asked me not to quit, but that I wouldn't be under any pressure to perform either. At least I got it off my chest. I think I might be happier dancing if I dropped 10 pounds...and that goes double for modern dance.
In modern class, I got moved back to the front row in line with the woman I asked to switch with me. The wonderful young dancer is now in the center, in a row by herself with two people in the row behind.
I'm still annoyed with the costume for modern dance. It has a long skirt and puffy sleeves with a bare midriff. It seems like a hostile move on the part of the studio management. I'm nearly 60, another dancer will be 70, another is in her 50s, and one is in her 40s. The only dancer who would look good in this costume is the 22 year old. A bare midriff! And, by the way, none of us is skinny!
Plus, we do backward somersaults and a modified would be hard to find a costume more unsuitable and uncomfortable to wear for that dance.
I really don't think it's my imagination that they don't appreciate adult students. It's almost as if they would like us to just go away.
It's funny...some of the most wonderful dancers and teachers in the world are only interested in the dancing perfection that young bodies can produce. They can tolerate the imperfections of young dancers still in training, but they have no patience with dancers who will never achieve professional status. They even stop dancing themselves when their bodies will no longer reach those impossible heights of perfection.
I think it's sad.
As gifted as these dancers are, I think it is more of a gift to dance because you have to dance...because your soul finds expression...because your body is grateful for the sweat and the stretch and the flying across the floor on the wings of the music.
Kitty Lunn is my idea of a dancer who dances through her life. You can read about her at: You can also download videos of some of her performances at I'm actually planning on attending one of her performances with a friend of mine from New York on May 30th.
Work is about the same, but I think that with my renewed focus on building energy infrastructure in Rindge, I can tolerate the lack of interesting challenges and opportunities at work.
Of course, all the things that I was so upset about when I wrote that post became like little gnats on the windscreen of my life about a week later.
On April 7th, I found out that I had a lesion on my kidney and a melanoma on my left forearm. For three days I scoured the Internet, diagnosing myself and trying to come to terms with worst case scenarios.
Mercifully, I was able to get an MRI done within a few days and learned that the lesion was a benign fatty tumor. I had the melanoma excised the same day as the MRI and they tell me that it was stage 0 and they got it all.
Then, my baby called me on Easter Sunday to say that she was having pains that started in the middle of her back and shot through to her sternum. I think that was the worst moment of my life so far. I don't think my daughter knows how much she means to me. I think I could face my own death with more grace than I could ever face losing her. My world would dim and I don't think I could ever be truly happy again. Now I understand the literal meaning of saying that someone you love is "the light of my life!"
It wasn't a heart attack, but the pain continued for a week. She had an ultrasound to check her gallbladder, but nothing showed up. Even prescription strength anti-acids didn't relieve the pain. We still don't know what caused it. Liese will get more testing done, but she feels much better now.
Suddenly, all the little things that were bothering me don't seem so important anymore. I just want my baby to be well and for me to last several more years on the Earth enjoying her company and my life. Nothing else really matters that much.
And, sometime, in the midst of all the anxiety and pain, the conviction that I need to put my whole self behind making a difference in the energy demands and resources of my community coalesced.
So, now it is Saturday afternoon. I am grateful for the peace and quiet. I'm not planning on going anywhere or doing anything today. I'm just going to rest and putter around a bit...and dream of windmills on the horizon with people picnicking and dancing beneath the skyward reaching arms.