Saturday morning...ahhh!

I'm referencing an older blog...from the Vernal Equinox posting.
That day, I was fretting about not being included in the Monadnock Writer's Group page, having angst about dance classes, and being "dissed" at work.
I wound up cutting and pasting from my post to create emails to the Monadnock Writer's Group (MWG), and my Irish Dance teacher. In my modern dance class, I asked someone from the back row to switch with me so that she was in the front.
The result is that I am on the MWG writers page...though it hasn't made any difference in my readership. I think my daughter and I are STILL the only ones who read it. (Thanks, Liese!) They assured me that it was all a mistake related to an email address changing...I wasn't being shunned.
My Irish Dance teacher asked me not to quit, but that I wouldn't be under any pressure to perform either. At least I got it off my chest. I think I might be happier dancing if I dropped 10 pounds...and that goes double for modern dance.
In modern class, I got moved back to the front row in line with the woman I asked to switch with me. The wonderful young dancer is now in the center, in a row by herself with two people in the row behind.
I'm still annoyed with the costume for modern dance. It has a long skirt and puffy sleeves with a bare midriff. It seems like a hostile move on the part of the studio management. I'm nearly 60, another dancer will be 70, another is in her 50s, and one is in her 40s. The only dancer who would look good in this costume is the 22 year old. A bare midriff! And, by the way, none of us is skinny!
Plus, we do backward somersaults and a modified handstand...it would be hard to find a costume more unsuitable and uncomfortable to wear for that dance.
I really don't think it's my imagination that they don't appreciate adult students. It's almost as if they would like us to just go away.
It's funny...some of the most wonderful dancers and teachers in the world are only interested in the dancing perfection that young bodies can produce. They can tolerate the imperfections of young dancers still in training, but they have no patience with dancers who will never achieve professional status. They even stop dancing themselves when their bodies will no longer reach those impossible heights of perfection.
I think it's sad.
As gifted as these dancers are, I think it is more of a gift to dance because you have to dance...because your soul finds expression...because your body is grateful for the sweat and the stretch and the flying across the floor on the wings of the music.
Kitty Lunn is my idea of a dancer who dances through her life. You can read about her at: http://broadwayworld.com/article/Kitty_Lunns_Infinity_Dance_Performs_At_Joyce_SoHo_52831_20090323 You can also download videos of some of her performances at http://www.infinitydance.com/video.html I'm actually planning on attending one of her performances with a friend of mine from New York on May 30th.
Work is about the same, but I think that with my renewed focus on building energy infrastructure in Rindge, I can tolerate the lack of interesting challenges and opportunities at work.
Of course, all the things that I was so upset about when I wrote that post became like little gnats on the windscreen of my life about a week later.
On April 7th, I found out that I had a lesion on my kidney and a melanoma on my left forearm. For three days I scoured the Internet, diagnosing myself and trying to come to terms with worst case scenarios.
Mercifully, I was able to get an MRI done within a few days and learned that the lesion was a benign fatty tumor. I had the melanoma excised the same day as the MRI and they tell me that it was stage 0 and they got it all.
Then, my baby called me on Easter Sunday to say that she was having pains that started in the middle of her back and shot through to her sternum. I think that was the worst moment of my life so far. I don't think my daughter knows how much she means to me. I think I could face my own death with more grace than I could ever face losing her. My world would dim and I don't think I could ever be truly happy again. Now I understand the literal meaning of saying that someone you love is "the light of my life!"
It wasn't a heart attack, but the pain continued for a week. She had an ultrasound to check her gallbladder, but nothing showed up. Even prescription strength anti-acids didn't relieve the pain. We still don't know what caused it. Liese will get more testing done, but she feels much better now.
Suddenly, all the little things that were bothering me don't seem so important anymore. I just want my baby to be well and for me to last several more years on the Earth enjoying her company and my life. Nothing else really matters that much.
And, sometime, in the midst of all the anxiety and pain, the conviction that I need to put my whole self behind making a difference in the energy demands and resources of my community coalesced.
So, now it is Saturday afternoon. I am grateful for the peace and quiet. I'm not planning on going anywhere or doing anything today. I'm just going to rest and putter around a bit...and dream of windmills on the horizon with people picnicking and dancing beneath the skyward reaching arms.

Vernal Equinox

Yesterday was the Vernal Equinox. http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2009/03/photogalleries/equinox-solar-new-year/photo6.html
My plan is to celebrate it by cleaning the house and yard. I might even build a small fire to burn some of the smaller branches.
In some parts of the world, it marks the beginning of the New Year.
Along with cleaning my house and yard, I'm going to try to clean out all the old resentments and negative thoughts that keep me from moving forward. Of course, there will always be things that happen that hurt your feelings or cause you to feel like you should just give up. There are a few of those bouncing around in my head right this moment. My thought is that if you don't meet them head on, analyze and address them, they just keep blocking new ideas and new opportunities.
1.) I submitted my 'writer's profile" to Monadnock Writer's Group several months ago, but they never published it. I'm a member. I sometimes go to meetings. I wanted people to read my blog and give me feedback. Is my writing so bad that they decided not to include me? Should I just forget about writing?
2.) I have a degree in engineering and patents for computer inventions. I'm still working on an MS in computer science; which I think demonstrates my willingness and ability to continue learning. But, at work, I am most valued and rewarded for assisting the sales admin with clerical tasks.
I'm the IT person, but our UK office thought it was okay to move our public website without letting me know when they did it. (I knew it was being moved, but I was told they would let me know when it happened.) I only got told after people came to me to complain that the website wasn't working.
There was also a phone conference on a Lotus application launch...I was invited to the first one and brought my Domino expert consultant. Another meeting was scheduled, but I wasn't invited...he was! He is a contractor who charges 6X per hour what I'm paid. Wouldn't it make sense to involve me so that I could do the legwork and some of the implementation under his direction?
What is going on here? I keep the systems running, I solve people's technical problems. I answer technical questions with documentation and references.
I didn't get a pay increase this year either. I asked what the reason was; were they unhappy with my work? No, I was told, the decision was made by senior management and no reasons were given; just the amounts to be given out. I have it in writing.
I've been there two years without a performance review.
Am I so unpleasant, uncooperative, incompetent, or what? It makes no sense to me unless I'm totally deluded about my own performance...
3.) I love to dance, but there are elements of taking dance class that are not entirely comfortable for me. I'm in a modern class with other adults. When we started working on a performance piece, I lined myself up in the front row with a much younger and MUCH better dancer. I'm almost 60; she's barely 20...and her dancing is more than 3Xs as good as mine. I just didn't think about it.
Last week the teacher started talking about moving us around so that the same people weren't always in the front. I feel a little embarrassed, like my dancing isn't good enough to be out in front...or that maybe the other people in the class think I believe I'm a good dancer ( I actually do think I have my moments, but know I have limitations too)...or, who knows? I've been dancing the longest of anyone in the class.
I've been struggling with this for several years now. It seems that if I dance with MoCo, I always wind up in the background as part of the toddler or "creative dance" classes. I'm not the only one, but it feels a bit like a put-down to me.
In Irish Dance it is almost impossible for me to learn and keep up with some of the faster dances. It's embarrassing how awful I look in the traditional Irish Dance costume and wig. I hate looking at pictures of myself on the ID website. Am I holding the adult group back from looking very professional? I know I'm expected to practice and that's at least part of the reason that the other adults are so much better. It's just that I've been dancing longer than almost anyone else in the school, but I don't seem to be improving.
Is it, finally, time to hang up my dancing shoes?
If I could only let go of the pride issue; I could recognize the fact that I dance for EXERCISE. I don't practice because I have other things in my life that are more important to me, so I don't have time.
Maybe the solution is to stop performing?
4.) I'll never finish my master's degree. That's my fear. I am actually making progress on it, but I have a lot of anxiety about it.
There are probably several more negative ideas that hold me back from enjoying my life as much as I could. I bet everyone has a few of these? I'm not sure that I've resolved any of them completely, but I plan to write them on a piece of paper and burn them as I work in the yard today!
Happy Equinox!